Hey guys! A little while ago, as I was out here just minding my own business, I came to a fork in the road. I’d been at this fork before but I had always chose the same path, so this time I decided to do something different. I decided to take another route because I was dreadfully tired of ending up in the same place. And I could have never imagined what I’d learn along the way.
It was a familiar feeling of disappointment and loneliness that I’d experienced before, except it felt worse this time. This time I couldn’t blame it on anyone else or inflate my ego with the typical “girl please you can do better” and “does he know who I am?” statements we use to make ourselves feel better. No, now I had to figure out where it went from truly enjoying and caring for each other to “you’re just not the one,” basically. (And no, this wasn’t me changing for a man, it was figuring out why I even allowed myself to give so much to a situation that would give so little back.)
And so began my self love journey. Instead of turning to others and allowing them to tell me what I wanted to hear, I silenced everyone and turned inward. I took the road in solitude and reflected, and in the words of Auntie Fairy Godmother Iyanla Vanzant I made a point to “Do the work, Beloved.”
I read A LOT, cried, learned how to meditate, prayed, stopped going out, cut back drinking, became celibate, stopped over spending, basically I stopped using my favorite vices as crutches … and I gave myself therapy. I sat in the darkness and went through all the things I didn’t like about myself, the actions that got me in trouble, the common complaints friends and ex friends had about me. I thought about my fear, anxiety and negativity and how I would fall apart if someone didn’t openly love me, and what I realized is that I did NOT love myself.
I mean of course I liked myself mostly; I treated myself well, I’m fun, smart, a hard worker, and I’ve accomplished a lot, but at the end of the day that wasn’t enough for me. I swore I was such a dope person but never felt complete and needed validation. Nobody could ever make me happy and I kept trying to make them be whoever I thought would save me, and be mad when they couldn’t. Then the light turned on and I realized that I was the only person who could rescue me. I am my own salvation.
Some of you might be thinking, “God is our only Lord and Savior.” But that’s one of the things I came to learn on my “travels”; I believe that God lives within me and every one of us, so with that belief then we are our own saviors. At the end of the day I had to get my shit together and learn how to love ME. So I challenged myself to 100 Days of Self Love.
100 Days of living a life that poured love, positivity and happiness into my soul. I starved my ego and sacrificed the things that I craved, because cravings usually aren’t even good for you! I strived to rebuild a woman with unwavering confidence and love for self that no one could ever break. I practiced self control and made a commitment to do whatever I wanted that would make my authentic self happy and also to face fears. At the “end” of the challenge I rewarded myself with something I’ve never done and that scared me, which was to took a solo trip overseas to the Caribbean, but I’ll fill you in on that later! I could go on and on about this journey but I’ll wrap it up for now.
Do you ever feel like you aren’t compassionate to yourself or loving the way you should ? Would you ever challenge yourself to love you wholeheartedly or to find yourself again? Let me know if you want to hear more about anything I wrote above.